Fight or Flight

Life is sometimes difficult. And I have learned that living a life of peace is more difficult--in the beginning anyway. I am in that beginning.

I had a friend tell me that when I made this decision, and then followed it up by writing about it in this blog, that I would have difficulty--be tested, essentially. He was right. Something I've learned is that, when we surrender our "right" to fight the fleshly fight, we must begin a different kind of "fight." This is the fight against ourselves, and our own fleshly wills or desires. My first fight against my self started long before I decided to live a life of peace, but when I came to that decision, it came to the forefront. According to my friend, that should have been no surprise. But I didn't realize the intensity in which it would show up. My "fight" was in living peaceably with my husband, accepting him for who he is and still having peace in that relationship.

I recently lost this fight. We will be divorced next week.

This is my first failure as a pacifist. But something tells me this is okay. I have been assured that ultimately, while God esteems the promise of marriage very highly, he is more concerned with my soul. The fight that ended my marriage was not just a fight against my marriage. It is a fight for me. This fight I must win, and I know I will in the end. I must start again--this is something I grow tired of--starting again--I often feel I fail and must "start again," but this too is something I am learning. I am not starting again. I am continuing. I've been knocked down, but I'm getting back up. It's the same fight.

Who is my opponent? What is my opponent? I can say it's the enemy--the devil, and perhaps that is indirectly true. But what I really believe is that it's me. I wrote in my last posting about the "ugly" or the "dark" in me. This is what I am fighting against. And thinking of that posting, "Why I Run," I am thinking I should redefine what it is I am doing. Perhaps what I am doing is not fighting at all, but running. Paul wrote of the Christian faith in Romans, I think, that it is a race. That we need to race for the prize, for the goal. As a pacifist, I like this new definition--that I am running a race. Fighting makes me tired. Running energizes me, cleanses me, gives me hope. And this is a good race. For the prize is life. I can run. I can keep running.

why I run

running, 5 a.m.
this is strength,
stamina;
this is freedom rushing in
--a new beginning

first moments of foot to pavement
like old friends reunited,
milk and honey to an impoverished soul.

mind wanders with no restraint
free, finally, to soar
unswept heights
mysteriously,
elusively,
like the eagle it thinks it is--
for there are miles to go
and the body will keep the time,
this time.

running 6 a.m.
shadow to the west--
this is my dark
the light is revealing to me.
its movements appear weaker
than my own.
no effort instilled
no passion aroused
for the run.
my pernicious dark
merely gliding along beside me,
laughing, I think,
at the sweat that does not
wet her brow,
barely lifting her legs
to go the next mile.

But her desperation
is hidden
at the edges of my feet--
in how she clings,
holding there with resolute ferocity--

this is my dark
the light exposes to me.
this is my dark
I can not out-run.

in--7 a.m.
and still
my dark remains
but this is the race
that I have finished--
despite her.

This is good to remember.
This is why I run.

go the way of peace

As of late, there is something I've been going through that has kept me from writing. I haven't written during this, because I didn't want to get away too far from the peace theme. But I am now starting to think that what I'm going through is part of the peace theme--because it's my peace journey. On this peace journey, I have found that it's not always easy to live in peace. What happens when a situation arises that is in conflict with your beliefs? What happens when resolving that situation will cause a conflict no matter how you decide to resolve it?

My husband has always said that when making a decision, you should "go the way of peace." This has always made sense to me, despite the fact that it comes from someone who is a notoriously bad decision-maker (not that he makes bad decisions--he just has a hard time making any decision, whether it be a good one or a bad one). So, I've looked at my situation, trying to find whether this decision or that decision might be "the way of peace," and no matter how I look at it, I realize that there is no clear way of peace in this situation. I suppose then, that the only thing I can do, is to make a decision, and then rely on God to bring the peace in the end. I presume this is where faith comes in.

This is scarey.

So, I just wanted to give an update on where I am in this peace journey. And this is where I am--it's a crossroads. I've been traveling a single path, going forward until suddenly I've reached this crossroad. And this just occurred to me: since being on this peace journey, I have learned that Jesus' peace exists in places and in ways that I never would have expected--he exists in and out of my religious box. So maybe the divergent paths shouldn't be so scarey after all, if I just remember what I have learned on this journey.

a day to grow on

There’s something special
about the first lemonade stands on the spring sidewalk
in the morning,
like tossing our flip-flops
from our toes and feeling the cool grass
between them.
Like red-sucker rings and icecream on a cone
that somehow manages to fall,
But that’s okay because
Mom’ll get you another one.
And there’s something great, like at the beach
when we swim in the summer sun,
our shoulders growing red,
our noses too.
Let’s eat popsicles till our stomachs
make those swishy noises inside
and we feel just a little sick.
But let’s eat another one anyway,
just because it’s there.
Lets laugh and play and make fun of each other
just for fun. Until mom calls us in for lunch.
And lets beg to skip our afternoon, after school nap
And gobble three cookies with milk
instead of two.
And lets dart outside before dinner and
climb the trees that are beginning to change
their colors already.
And let’s remember not to remember
dinner until mom calls us in
and we sit at the dinner table
and ask rudely where it is,
why’d you call me in so soon if it’s not ready yet?
And lets whine to stay up later
just a little later
so we can catch lightning bugs
our feet crashing through the crisp, colored leaves
our noses growing cold with the
cooling night air.
And there’s something wonderful
about staying out just a little longer
because we don’t think about
the morning and feeling grouchy
especially when it’s the first snow
And you know the ice has finally frozen
and it took forever
and you just got a new pair of skates
for Christmas
And a really cool bongo sled that’s red
And you can’t wait to try it out,
even if it is pitch dark outside.
It took forever to get your winter clothes on
And by the time you get them off
it's time to go to bed
and it’s almost spring again.

Friendship is Groovy

Friendship is groovy
kind of like an Oreo cookie
held together with something sweet.
No top, no bottom,
just depends on how you
twist it, dunk it, lick it, eat it.
Friendship is groovy
kind of like purple bubble gum
snap! Snap! Snap! It goes
all over your face;
you pick it off and chew it again
with an eyelash and a grin.
Friendship is groovy
Kind of like your favorite song
played over and over in your mind.
You think you’re singing in tune
even though you’re not
but it doesn’t matter—
Because you’re singing in sync.
And you know the words,
The tune, the feeling—
You’ve built memories on it.
Friendship is groovy
Kind of like this poem
It’s simple and easy to get
It will never win any contests
because it doesn’t do what it should do
but that’s probably why you like it.
And it will stay with you forever
if you let it.
Friendship is groovy
kind of like an inanimate object.
You can look at it
toss it, bite it, hug it, love it, throw it
and then pick it up again
when you want to
and it’s like you never left it.
That’s groovy friendship.

time to serve

since i understood for myself jesus' gospel of peace, i have been searching for where and how i can serve that gospel--where do i fit in? my church recently had a "justice revival" where they talked about social justice issues and encouraged us to reach out to those who are hungry, oppressed and in need of any kind. it was a three day revival that ended with a fourth day (a saturday) where we went out and actually did service of some kind. the team i served on went to a food pantry in columbus to give food to the hispanic population in need. for me, it wasn't enough. it was such a small thing to do. and all it did was make me want to do more.

many people look for a sign. "just give me a sign, god, that you exist and then i will believe," they say. these same people look at the hurt and injustice in the world and say "god doesn't exist. for how could a loving god exist and allow all of this evil to happen in the world?" i believe god exists. and i believe he is mighty aware of the hurt and injustice in the world. and i believe that is why he made me. and that is why he made you. it's really time to do more. jesus is out there. i know that he is out there somewhere and i need to find him. i am thinking of the passage in scripture where jesus tells his disciples that they did, indeed, clothe him, feed him, care for him in prison when they did these things for anyone who was in need of them.

i was up late into the night looking at charity and social justice organizations on the internet. there are so many places to serve, so many needs that need to be met. i am writing this here because i believe it's time to get aggressive about serving those who are hurting. i'm not looking for a sign. the hurting cry out loudly. they are my sign. but i won't see it until i serve them. i need to start reaching out, somewhere, anywhere--i don't think it matters. i don't think finding "my place" is important. i just need to do--even if i feel i am groping in the dark as i begin to do it. i believe it's time to seek the face of jesus.

love-ease

god, who are you that you love me
only for who i am and nothing more?
there is no work that i must do
no effort to put forward
no task to take to hand
no striving.

god, who are you that you love me
to dance with me where i go?
there is no mis-step taken
no fall too great
no learning embitters
no music to fear.

god, who are you that you love me
even in the middle of the making?
there is no flaw unbeautiful
no assymetry undivine
it is all good, you say
all handmade, mine.

your love is simple, easy
i have no questions
no what if's to ask
no fears to hold
only awe that embraces me
at your love-ease.

neither do i condemn you

How does God heal emotional hurts? Gently, tenderly and with compassion. I'm thinking about a compassionate mother who holds her hurting, crying child because something has gone wrong in her child's life; I'm thinking about a nurse who gently, quietly nurses her patient and slips out of the room, unnoticed when a family member arrives; I'm thinking about a teacher who listens attentively to her pupil who is excited about what she saw on the way to school, because she knows its likely no one else will listen. This is how God heals, gently, tenderly and with compassion.

I used to think that when we sin, and hurt from our own sins, that we were on our own. If the sin made us cry, well, then, too bad. We're the ones who messed up. It's our fault, and we need to deal with it. But I am beginning to realize that God has compassion on us when we hurt, even when it is our own fault, our own wayward hearts that has placed us in the position to be hurt. I am reminded of the woman who was about to be stoned because she was "caught in the very act of adultery." Jesus did not condemn her, but rather, he defended her. "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her," he told them. And then he wrote something on the ground. They all left, one by one, till she was left alone with Jesus. "Woman where are they," Jesus asked. "Did no one condemn you?" She said, "no one, Lord." And he answered her and said, "then neither do I condemn you."

So he doesn't condemn her. But he says, "now go. And sin no more."

And with these words, Jesus does not offer her an excuse for her behavior. But in his response to her in front of the crowd, he does offer her something else--something better than an excuse. He offers her love. He offers her love and out of that love, he offers her acceptance despite what she has been caught doing.

And I think this is the way God heals us in our sin. He loves us, tenderly, gently and with great compassion. This is important because it means we don't need to depart from God when we sin. We need to draw closer to him. We need to draw closer so we can hear his voice more clearly when he says "neither do I condemn you." I think these are the words we need to hear first, before we can hear, or accept, his next words: "now go. And sin no more."

We have sinned in the first place because we lack something in our lives. How difficult it is to break away from that sin if we don't believe that when we break away, we go flying into our Father's arms. How can we throw ourselves on his shoulder if we feel we are condemned by him? We can not. So let us draw close to Jesus, even and especially in the midst of our sin. We need to hear him say "neither do I condemn you; neither do I condemn you; neither do I condemn you." I believe if we listen closely, he will say these words to us until we can hear the next: "now go, and sin no more."

On Thought: A Theory of Creativity and Love

It's as though regular thought were done in a circle. Day to day, on a normal basis all the thoughts we need can be found within that circle. Thoughts about paying our bills, organizing the closet, getting the next high, getting from A to B, fulfilling a selfish desire, figuring out how to keep the status quo--these are all the type of thoughts I call "circle thought." They are circle thoughts because they are circular--they go nowhere and they take the person right back to where they started. No ground is gained. No problem is solved. No love is found.

But one can break that circle, or find exits and entryways to various rooms outside that circle. These people exist in "exit thought." Some people only find one or two rooms, and they visit them all the time; thus, these "exit thoughts" become normal--they become a part of their circle thought--its just that the circle has expanded a bit. This is because, when these people are in those rooms, they do not examine them. They do not look in all the corners and underneath objects--and they do not talk to all of the people in there. Instead, they only see one or two people, and they can be found standing in the room too stunned to do much else . . . like a deer caught in headlights. And as long as they are like this, they do not see anything. Thus, when they come back into the realm of "circle thought" they are little affected.

But some, find not only exit doors by which to leave the circle, but they also find windows and cracks. First of all, when they find the exit doors and walk through them, they have the boldness to search that room (for doors lead only to other rooms), to talk to all the people and to observe them. They look under things, in things and around things. When they come back to the circle, if they have that rare commodity called dedication and if they have the audacity to believe what they have seen in those others rooms (even though these rooms are not like the room that makes up their circle thought), then they will attempt to record or recreate what they find--it is these people--those who have the boldness to go in the first place, the stamina to record and recreate, and the audacity to believe who are artists and creators.

Those who find windows have always found doors first and, through the courage they gained going through the doors, they find the courage to crawl through the windows. Thus, they enter "window thought." What they find outside these "windows" is amazing, for windows lead beyond the rooms--windows lead out far beyond "circle thought." If this person is a writer, she will find the story behind the story, before the story, within the story. The dangerous thing about "window thought" is that sometimes, for various reasons, it can be difficult to get back through the window. Those who go too far, rarely find their way back. Those who stay within sight of their window, or who mark their way, find their way back through and when they come back through to "circle thought," they write masterpieces, classics, they are able to solve problems, invent things, they paint and sculpt timelessly and they compete with an endurance fueled by a deeper inspiration.

And there are those who find access to other rooms or to the outside through the cracks, the slivers and openings in the walls and doors. They may have at one time left their circle and ventured out, or they may venture out in the future. But for now, they remain on the inside, seeing (and sometimes remembering or hoping for) what is on the outside, but not in its entirety. They have an idea of what's on the other side, but they prefer to tell it as they see it through these openings. It may appear that fear of what's on the other side is what holds these people back, however, they remain where they are for the love of their circle thought friends, even though they are enamored by the mystery they see through the cracks, the slivered openings in the walls. The other side never loses its beauty to them, yet they never lose touch with those who are stuck in circle thought. These people lend hope to those in circle thought, they are able to help translate what was found in window thought and door thought and bring it to circle thought level. These people are beautiful, because they are light shiners, they are lovers, they are nurturers, they are peace keepers, they are helpers, they are teachers. They may not get the glory of their window and door co-thinkers, but they have a far greater calling to hold the hands of circle thinkers and exit thinkers; they have a far greater calling to comfort the anxieties exit thinkers experience and embrace the circle thinkers in their sorrow. These people live in "open thought." They are open thinkers.

Each one is a circle thinker at some time in their life, and perhaps will always be a circle thinker in certain parts of their lives, even while they are exit thinkers in another area. Circle thinkers often at one time in their life dreamed of being exit thinkers. And so we share this as our commonality--we all need the open thinkers who think with open arms.

Ramblings on Imagination

I think I have a story that could express what I feel. The worlds that I know--I said they seem to me too real to exist inside my head, my heart. I don't believe they do. I could suggest that they are in my imagination. But imagination is in the brain, is it not? Perhaps, but I see imagination as something that may, indeed, have a place in the brain, but that extends beyond that limited entity. I say "limited" because it is my belief that though we have the capacity to go much further than we do with our brains, there is something inside each (or most) of us that sets boundaries beyond which we do not endeavor to cross. We do not cross these boundaries for fear--fear of what lurks beyond them, I suppose. Perhaps insanity.

We also do not cross these boundaries for laziness, or slothfulness. We have learned to become content with what we know, in fact, we feel we do not need to know much more than we know--the mere normal person anyhow. When I speak of our capacity to "go further" with our brains, I do not mean the brain as only an intellectual capacity--for if that were all there was, then, certainly, many people have gone much further and continue to use their intellectual capacity to achieve success. But I am speaking of the brain on a higher--spiritual level. The spiritual level is one that "sees." The spiritual level is one that would open up all other areas to our understanding. But I digress.

The main concern for me here is to express my ideas on the imagination. As I said earlier, I believe the brain takes part in imagination--or rather I said "imagination has a place in the brain," but what better expresses my idea is that the brain takes part in imagination. The brain utilizes imagination.

Imagination is a living entity that can not be entirely captured or controlled. It is not something that is contained within one person. It is fluid and flows through and within and between people, and across boundaries of space and time. So, these worlds that I say I know, these people and places and story ideas I have in my imagination--they are all a part of IMAGINATION--that thing which is fluid. These "story ideas" come from another time, another place. This feeling which is beautiful and ugly and large and nanoscale all at the same time is not my own. It comes to me from IMAGINATION.

And only because I will myself to be open to the possibility of IMAGINATION as a living entity, am I at all able to place their lives (these characters of mine) on paper. In fact, as of yet, I've only begun to take those first small steps. I have only begun to see IMAGINATION in this way. Even now, I fail to purely describe IMAGINATION fully, the way I see it. But I will never be able to do that for it is fluid--like water--and we can not grasp water fully--but we can drink of it, and we can hold a portion of it. When a person does not drink water, their skin loses elasticity. In the same way, a person who does not allow IMAGINATION to flow through them loses elasticity of thought. And I'll stop the parallel here for now. :-)

Wait for Nature

There’s something beautiful
in the silence
that exists between man and animal.

And when that silence occurs in the wild,
with man and animal
face to face,
there’s something sacred
that passes between them.

The animal has allowed
the man
to peer into his eyes
--and in essence,
for a moment anyway,
the wild thing has
permitted the man to look at his spirit.

The animal does man a favor, really.

For in that moment,
there is a certain
reflective phenomenon
that happens.
Man sees his ancient past,
hears more clearly the voice of his human spirit,
and springs forward into his memory on behalf of his future.

That is why it is so important to sit in nature.
And to wait for it.

Note to God

So I see you have taken me
beyond a place of doubt.
I no longer have that luxury,
for I find it
true
that there is not a place I can go
and you are not there.

I can not deny your presence.
No, not even in the midst
of my wayward heart can I find
solitude
from you.

You say you want the secret place
--I find that my secret place
is no longer my own.
For you are there.

What kind of God
would sit on a throne not fit for a man?
But there, I find you,
seated on the throne of my high place.

What kind of God
Would unseat himself
at my request? Would take himself down
only with saddened heart
(I see the saddened heart)?

What kind of God
would place himself
second to the motives of my heart
(and do so with love)?

There was a time
I thought you would
entirely remove yourself from me.
I thought (only now I see it)
that your love was conditional--
I wanted it to be.

But now I see
it is I who removes myself from you.

Now I see
it is I who condemns me.

Now I see
you never did condemn.
I was mistaken.

And this is the luxury I no longer have
--to doubt your love, your heart, your kind intention
toward me.
This is solid--no matter what I do.

AAARGH! God is Never Wrong

Sometimes it's hard to be in a relationship with God. You know why? Because he is never wrong. Imagine if your husband or your wife or your brother or your sister really were never wrong (like they think). Wouldn't that make you so mad? How could you live with that person? But we're supposed to live with God. Can you believe it? Worse! He's supposed to live in us! And he's never wrong. Imagine if your husband or your wife or your brother or your sister lived inside of you telling you what to do all the time, or telling you how it is. Wouldn't that drive you nuts? Wouldn't you sometimes want to look into your spirit and say, "get out of there, you never wrong person, because you got to be wrong this time; I just know you are!"

But God is never wrong. It's no wonder we God-filled people are in turmoil sometimes. We're fighting with the man in our soul. That's gotta be tough!

But God is not a man, like our spouse or our sibling. He's God. He's not only never wrong, but he's got more tact. Right? Well, let me tell you something. You know how when you first meet someone, and they want to put on a good first impression so they act really nice, but then after you get to know them a bit they will tell you like it is. Guess where we get that from? Yep--God himself. That's my experience anyway.

Because the more I got to know God, the more I hear him telling me how it is. Oh, he doesn't have an attitude about it--if you don't count the fact that he IS God after all and He DOES know everything after all--that's not really attitude if it is just the way it is. He can't help it--he can say it as nice and quiet and gentle as you like, but it still comes down to the fact that what he says is true and you don't like it, but he can't help that you don't like it, he's just telling you like it is.

You see, I think as we develop a relationship with him, he knows we can handle it that way; and he's glad because the way he dealt with you before took too long and all you did then was complain that God acted too slow (never mind he HAD to go slow to give you the grace you needed to learn what you needed to learn). So I guess it's fine he tells me like it is and it's fine that he's never wrong.

What I have figured out is, the more I love him, the easier it is to listen to him. When I have more love for the thing he is correcting me on--then is when I get mad at him for knowing everything. "You just think you know everything, don't you God," I ask belligerently. And do you know what he says? "I do know everything." And he says it without an apology--no apology in word or in tone of voice. Just a nice quiet, calm, "I do know everything." That know-it-all is in my heart! There is no way I can exist with a lack of love in any area towards God and be sane if he's gonna keep on living inside of me (and he ain't moving out anytime soon). So I got to grow in love with God if I want to continue to have peace in my soul. That's just what I gotta do.

Be a Hero

I wonder how many people struggle with wanting to DO something for God, but if they would just start DOing right where they are, everyday, and with as much passion and zeal and consistency and commitment as it would take to be ABLE to stand in front of some guns as a CPTer, or to tread some new jungle path to get the gospel to some remote group of people, then maybe God could get something done right where they are. You see, I don't think we value the small things we can do. But we are blessed to be able to do them. It would be nice to be a hero; but it would be great just to do exactly what God wants us to do. If that for you means washing dishes, waiting tables, working in a factory or whatever--then do it heroically. Do it heroically.

do not resist; do not force

On my office wall are two post-it notes. The first I wrote down in a moment of deeper revelation. It says, "do not resist." The second post-it I wrote in like manner only moments later, "do not force." I've been looking at these post-it notes for about two weeks now.

Then I was reading in John and one verse struck me and made me think on the character of Jesus. It's a verse that occurs just after Jesus has fed the five thousand. It reads, "So Jesus, perceiving that they were intending to come and take Him by force to make Him king, withdrew again to the mountain by Himself alone" (John 6:15). I looked at that phrase--that they wanted to take Him "by force to make Him king," and I think, how insane! The crowd is insane! Here they are, admitting to each other that Jesus is the "Prophet who is to come into the world" (John 6:14), and they think they have to take him "by force!" If they really believe he is the "Prophet who is to come into the world," they should know they do not have to force him to become the "Prophet who is to come into the world!" They either aren't believing their own words about Jesus, or they don't believe the word of God concerning the prophet who is to come into the world. But why would they even want a king that they have to force?

Of course, the answer is because even his own followers want to do with Jesus as they please. And isn't this the way it still is? Aren't we still trying to force Jesus into doing something, that, yes, may be the will of God, but maybe the timing isn't right, or maybe our methods aren't right, or maybe the location or people aren't right--or just maybe it's not even the will of God at all, anyhow. Yet we try to force him to do what we want him to do--in our time, in our way! But Jesus is not a king who will be forced.

What happened when the people tried to force him? He "withdrew again to the mountain by Himself alone." He withdrew from the people. He withdrew to the mountain, where he would likely spend time with God. He withdrew! If you need something, don't force Jesus, don't try to coerce--even if you see in the word that it's his will. Jesus is not a man that will be forced. Better yet, I love the understated way in which he simply "withdrew" from the crowd. A person need not resist who turns to the Lord.

Nothing shakes Jesus--not praise from man, insults or persecution from man, not storms, angry mobs, not a wooden cross. He stands firm, though he does not resist, and he will not force, nor be forced.

love overflow

held back by fear
Learning peace has developed in me a respect coming out of love for others that I formerly was not able to obtain. I was not able to obtain that respect for others, though I greatly desired it, because I could not walk in love. I could not walk in love because I was holding onto my perceived right to vengeance. I longed to have a deep respect for others, and I knew that that respect would come out of a true love for others, but fear of others presided in the place where love should have been. I do not say that my actions toward others would have revealed my lack of respect, because I did my best to behave respectfully simply because in my head I knew that that was the right thing to do. But in my heart, I feared others' views and held myself apart from them because I was afraid their beliefs would cause me to doubt my own. I could not afford to doubt my own beliefs (so I thought) because I knew that I was shakey in them and barely able to stand up with them, let alone without them.

released to love
But I came to a place where my beliefs were focused on Jesus, more than on the ideas of common man. And as my ideas became more focused on Jesus, I was able to welcome the idea of Jesus' gospel of peace, even though (sadly) it went against so much that I had been taught about Christian religion. And then, when I was able to welcome the idea of Jesus' gospel of peace, suddenly, it was as if my heart were waiting for this news, because it sprang open to love others, which made me able to respect them, even their own beliefs.

It's a relief, really. Because I have always wanted to learn from others; to listen in love about their beliefs instead of listening in fear--which only propagated condemnation for my companion. If you listen in fear, you can not really learn anything.

increase of love
I think that I have written something like this (my first blog posting). But I wanted to write this again, because it has developed a bit inside of me, and also because I am still in awe at what Jesus can do to a heart. Since learning Jesus's gospel of peace, I have increasingly grown so full of love for people that sometimes I think it might spill out. I long for ways that I can reach out to someone, to maybe make their life a little better if even only for a moment. I walk around so full of some kind of love that I want to ask someone "do you see it on me? Do I look ridiculous--because I'm holding it in now--this love--I'm holding it in because I don't know yet how to let it out." So God has given me this love and I have to figure out how to walk in it, how to use it, what God intended me to do with it, exactly. One thing I have discovered: that love is powerful.

love for you too!
I hope that if you are reading this, you will follow after Jesus with all of your heart, that you will do so in spirit and in truth so that you are able to receive the love that he so freely gives. He is the most beautiful and precious person I know; and I love him so much. And he's rich! I know that he is, because this love he gave me is worth far more than anything I could work for, or try to get on my own. And he's got more to give!

in god's time

So God showed me this, that I need to delve into the deepness of him. Didn’t he tell me yesterday to look at him? Yes, he did. So I guess this is a pattern.
“I use patterns.”
“You do? Why?”
“Because if I didn’t, you would not be able to understand me.”
“But God, you seem so unpredictable.”
“If you studied me, you would see that my unpredictability is not random. It only seems that way to you because you only tune in to me a very small amount in the scheme of things.”
“But it seems like I spend a lot of time with you.”
“You do. You spend your time.”
“Who else’s time should I spend?”
“Mine.”
“What does that mean, God?”
“I can give you my time—the way I exist in time.”
“And how do you exist in time?”
“I am compact, existing in all time, and I am continuous, no time existing in me.
“I don’t think I can comprehend that God. It’s difficult.”
“I will show you.”
“How.”
“Step by step. The first step, ask me for my time.”
“Okay God. Please give me your time.”
“I have given it. I am giving it and I will continue to give it. It is yours.”
“Okay. Was I supposed to get something out of that?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I think I missed it. I sense that there is something in that that I need to understand, but I can’t grasp it.”
“In the continuum of time, you will see the patterns. But in the small window through which you peer ‘when you feel like it’ you will see randomness. You are the one who is random. You come to me randomly, so you receive randomly. When you become consistent, you will see the patterns. In the patterns, you will see that the greatness of my existence swallows up time, making it no time, and that it is in my compactness that I exist in all time. When you look at time, you may or may not see me; but when you look at me, you will not see time.”
“God, I don’t get this. I feel like maybe I’m making it up.”
“You will soon understand.”
“Whatever. This is too much. Or its too much of me, or I don’t know. God, where do you stop and I begin?”
“I stop when you begin; I begin again when you stop (I say this this way because this is how you can understand it best. But in all truth, I never stop. In the deep, I am there, working.)”
“Wow. I get this. I "began" just a moment ago, when doubt came in and I said this was ‘too much.’ That’s when all that stuff you were saying stopped. I let myself--my own fears, take over.”
“Yes, and now you are allowing me to begin again.”
“But yet you never stopped. I just couldn’t see you anymore.”
“Yes you were looking at time, where I exist in compactness, you were not looking at me, where my greatness swallows up time. That’s why you couldn’t see me. I was working in time, underneath your doubt.”
“I allowed the doubt to rise up.”
“I allowed the doubt to rise up.” (This is God speaking)
“What do you mean?”
“Because I stepped down, to get beneath it.”
“Wow! Yes, yes! You don’t have to step down to anything. So why do you step down in this case?”
“Because you wanted doubt to be there instead. I could stay there if I wanted. But I will not go where you don’t want me.”
“Why would I want doubt to be there instead of you?”
“Because you don’t understand me. My ways are not your ways. What you don’t understand you are afraid of.”
“Why would I be afraid of you?”
“Because you think I will disgrace you in front of humans. You care more about what they think, than what I think. That is why you want doubt to take my place—so that I won’t do the thing you think I will do—which is disgrace you.”
“So would you disgrace me?”
“You can only be disgraced if you are not confident in who I am.”
“So, this must mean that I am not confident in who you are.”
“Which takes us back to the first thing I said.”
“What’s that?”
“Look at me. Find out who I am.”
“In your book.”
“Yes, in my word.”

peace for an electron

i learned today
that an electron
spins
as it circles the atom,

that if all atoms contain a certain characteristic
then we can rightly say
that all materials do too,

and that all material is magnetic
--of a certain sort.

and i see god
in the explanation of scientists.
i see jesus speaking a parable,
drawing lines in the sand

while we stand unaware of what we can't see
unaware of what we can't touch,
what we can't feel,

spinning our circles
around something else we can.

spinning our circles
around a characteristic of an illusion
these senses have created,

spinning our circles endlessly,
forgetting the material
we are made of.

but i see jesus
speaking a parable
as the electron
spins with glee
around its atom.

and all is right with its world.

church visit

I had the opportunity to visit a church in my new hometown. It was a wonderful service. And then.

At the end of the service the pastor decided to make a commentary on voting issues. "Which issues are the most important" he reported he had been asked. "Well, I think the most important issue is life. If you can't agree with me that LIFE is of the utmost importance, then we can't agree on anything." He then told us that because life was of the utmost importance, that the issue of abortion was the most important issue to him when voting. I agreed--that life is the utmost importance. This makes sense to me. And then.

The pastor proceeded to tell us that the second most important issue in this presidential campaign was the war against Islam. "America can not be safe with a president that would sit on his hands concerning the war against Islam!" Isn't it interesting that in the same moment that a person tells us LIFE is of the utmost importance, he proceeds to tell us of his support for a war. I do not believe he was suggesting we should have a pacifist mind-set when approaching the war against Islam. I am wondering if this pastor values all life, or only the life of the unborn? What about the lives of the women and children and other innocents in the countries where this war will take place? Goodness, what about the lives of the militant Islamists--those who would be our enemies--the very person Jesus told us to love?!!

We as Christians need to be different from the rest of the world. The world will do what it will do, but Christians should offer an alternative, aggressively pursue that alternative and teach others how to live in that alternative. How can we be an example to the world when we are living in it and behaving as it behaves. We are to come out from among them and be separate--not join them!

I also find it interesting that this pastor used fear rhetoric to persuade his congregation: "America can not be safe"--who ever said that Christianity was safe? But we need not fear this, or walk in fear because of this. Instead, we need to walk in love--we need to recognize the call of Jesus to love our enemies--love casts out all fear, after all. We are safe in a spiritual sense, and certainly we can be assured that God will ultimately take care of us. But we can not be guaranteed safety when we resort to fleshly means to secure and maintain that safety. This pastor aligned himself with the government of the United States in his statement, recognizing the desire of the citizens of the U.S. to be safe, rather than recognizing the call of Jesus to love our enemies.

I find it interesting that one week I write on this issue (see post below), and the next week it is placed in front of my face.

what treachery our foe has caused!

Early Christian believers' lives "were nourished, not by the summas of the academicians, but by the lives of the saints. Most of the saints were tacitly non-violent. Most of the martyr-saints were expressly non-violent. The rejection of violent self-defense or of service in the armies of Caesar was sometimes the reason for which the saint was martyred. The lives of the saints are told to incite the hearer to trust God for his or her surviving and prospering." --Quoted from When War is Unjust by John Howard Yoder, pages 69-70.

This quote gives me great pause and great sadness, because it causes me to think of the voice I have heard in the church speaking on behalf of various wars (when I say "in the church" I mean Christians who are the church, but also, specifically, Christian leaders in and out of the church). This quote reminds me that Christians long ago looked to the saints for spiritual nourishment--saints who lived non-violent lives. Jesus lived non-violently, yet, on this subject, I did not listen to him until recently. And so this is a double-edged knife to my conscience. For I used to look in judgment on those who looked to the saints to lead them spiritually. I believed they should be looking to Jesus, who is the saint of all saints. But I was judging these, and not seeing my own offense. I listened not to Jesus concerning violence, but instead, listened to the voice of the religious leaders.

And these are voices I had listened to, many for years and years; they are voices I have respected and even grown to love. It saddens me to see this flaw. I do not suggest that it discounts the good they do perform, because their efforts are tremendous. But this is too great a flaw to ignore, and in fact, how much good can be done if in the end they (the church) support an evil (war) that causes the problems they (the church) are attempting to fix? This is a very sad thing to face.

But I am convinced that they feel they are right, that in their hearts they must not be condemned. Certainly this is an example of the blind leading the blind. But this causes me even greater sadness, because they speak on behalf of war to Jesus's people, his sheep. What treachery our foe has caused! What deep and utter treachery! Let me begin to break out of the lies I have been told and begin to believe and live in the spirit, the word of truth that Jesus taught all of us!

aggressive faith

In re-reading the New Testament texts, and now, specifically, the book of John, my eyes are searching for the gospel of peace. One thing strikes me as I read--that it takes aggressive faith to imitate the gentle, peaceful attitude and actions of Jesus Christ. At his words, Jesus was faced with a brutally violent verbal resistance: "he is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him?" ( John 10:20). "This man is not from God" (John 9:16). "We know this man is a sinner" (John 9:24). "Your testimony is not valid (John 8:13). "Now we know that you are demon-possessed" (John 8:52). It takes an aggressive faith to stand up under words like this--an even stronger faith to stand up under them when they come from religious leaders, and an indescribable faith to stand up under them in peace, without lashing back, which is just what Jesus did.

Better yet, oftentimes, these words were spoken after Jesus had acted in tender compassion to someone. Look at the context for John 9:16. Jesus had just healed a man who was blind, setting him free from an affliction that plagued him from birth. The Pharisees were not impressed. Instead, they criticized him, saying "this man is not from God."

Look again to John, chapter five, where Jesus heals an invalid who laid at the waters edge to be healed, but who had not been able to get into the healing waters to receive his healing. What does Jesus do? He heals him. What do the Jewish leaders do? They begin to persecute him because he healed the man on the Sabbath.

And again--look at what happens when Jesus, out of his compassion, raises Lazarus from the dead: "so from that day on, they plotted to take his life" (John 11:53).

I could go on, reciting stories where Jesus acted in compassion, reached out to heal or accept those no one else would. But better, not just to have the faith to heal these people, but to stand up against the pressure of the violence in their--the leader's--words. It takes aggressive faith to stand up to that kind of pressure--it took aggressive faith to create "shalom" for these people.


And how does Jesus exhibit this aggressive faith, this fierce stance for truth, for the word of God? He exhibits it with the utmost careful, beautiful, tenderness to those who will recieve his love. I love to read the passage of the woman at the well, who, being a Samaritan and a woman of five husbands, would have (at best) been ignored or disdained by other Jewish men. But Jesus, sweet, tender, lovely Jesus talks with her, even to reveal his identity as the Messiah to her, gives to her, even she--a half-breed, an adultress--the chance to drink the water that will "become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (John 4:14).



And I see his tenderness, even in the moment he is about to be stoned at the Festival of Dedication at Jerusalem (John 10:22-42). Even to the last moment that he is able, he speaks truth to them, that they too might believe on him and be saved. "Do not believe me unless I do the works of my father, but if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works that you may know and understand that the Father is in me, and I in the Father" (John 10:37-38). I can imagine the earnestness in his voice as he tried to reason with them, setting himself aside, to reason with them from where they were ("even though you do not believe me") with proof that their mentality might accept (the works). Even to the very last moment, Jesus is not seen fighting back, is not seen protecting himself, but speaking truth to the last moment--planting that seed that they might be saved. That's an aggressively tender faith!


Oh! What kind of strength is this? To proclaim the good news to the poor, freedom for the prisoners, recovery of sight for the blind, to set the captives free--and to do this in the face of great opposition? To do this in the face of great danger--even to his last moment on the cross when he promised to receive the thief into heaven--what kind of strength is this?!!

speaking violence, speaking peace

I was thinking about the love of Christ, for to walk in peace, to walk non-violently, one must walk in love. It’s easy enough to say that I will walk in peace, that I will not cause physical harm to anyone else. Chances are, I will not be in a situation that I formerly would have considered a situation that calls for self-protection with violence. But as I worshipped tonight, God was showing me about what I write and what I speak—that I must start living non-violently in my everyday life, and for me, that means in my speaking and in my writing.

In my life, it has been words that I struggle against, other people’s words that would tear me down. And I think this would probably be true for anyone, that we all struggle with the words that others speak against us, our actions, our motives, our desires, our personalities our idiosyncrasies. Often the words are not directed at us personally, but we see ourselves on the other side of the critique, and we must struggle against those words if we want to remain true to who we really are. The masses speak discouragement, they speak hate, they speak into existence a rigid set of guidelines that we must follow to be accepted. The masses speak violence, and their voice extends into the deepest part of our beings and tears down who we might become in God.

I told God that I want to reject that movement of the masses—I do not want to be a part of that discouragement, I do not want to speak violence into another person with my own set of judgments, my own rigid guidelines. But it comes so naturally, it’s as if we are programmed to do so—to judge and to want others to abide by our guidelines so that we, our own person, can be validated. So I asked God to show me when it is that I speak or write from out of my “self” and not out of love. For only when I speak or write in love will I be able to do so in peace. I would like my writing, then, as much as I am able, to focus on, and examine the streams of peace that I find. I'm not sure how this will work, or what it will look like and I know that I can not ignore the bad, but that my efforts will follow after peace.

Ephesians 4:11 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Romans 14:19 Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.

peace education

I had the privilige of watching Gandhi, a movie on Gandhi's pursuit of independance for India, one accomplished non-violently. The first thing that I was struck with, was that I had never learned anything about Gandhi before this. Never in my elementary, junior high or high school years did any history teacher (or any teacher) teach my class about Gandhi. Worse, never did any teacher introduce me to the non-violent peace movement. Now, this was years ago and I could guess that students might learn these things now, but as I thought this, I asked my niece if she learned anything about these topics and she said no. Not surprising. This is such an important part of our history, something we should know and study in depth. How can we ignore this topic for our children--they are the ones who can make the changes.

Why is it that nonviolent resistance, which is obviously so powerful, does not have the voice it should? I remember when I was young, there was a girl around my age who gave a peace talk that was reported in my news. I remember thinking how important it was that she did that. But in short time it was no longer a news-worthy event, and I heard nothing more of it. We did not talk about it at school, nor at home, though I often thought of what that young lady did. If I was inspired by her, who else was inspired? How many other children, if given the chance, would have learned more about peace, would have wanted to learn more about non-resistance? What if our children were exposed to more of this? What would they do with it? What if peace education were in the curriculum? What if our heroes were non-resistant activists? What if our children were encouraged to play peace-making instead of war-making? What if our stories were made up of these?

I can guess why this type of education does not go on--I am sure that it does not support a government that needs new recruits, support for war and of course money for war. But, oh, how discouraging that is, that our government does not have the foresight or the courage to undertake a new kind of education that could change us, not without sacrifice, but that would change us for the better nonetheless. I think about Gandhi and the people who followed him. The movie portrayed a people constantly on the verge of violence, a peace that relied on the leadership of one man, a precarious peace that threatened to erupt into violence at any moment. Imagine a country with a generation that has been taught, at least, the possibility of non-violence, following a leader like Gandhi.

Confession: At a Leadership Conference, Columbus, Ohio, January 18, 2008

it was bound to happen sometime--my first exposure to life as a possible pacifist--to one day become the minority in a crowd of patriots cheering for soldiers who fight for freedom (so says our speaker, victoriously, at a leadership conference).

but my minority status is not pure, is not yet whole--for my flesh still clings to what I knew--or believed I knew; my flesh still longs for the crowd, still longs to cheer for soldiers who fight for freedom--my flesh still wants to believe, as it once did, that my men die for purpose, kill for purpose, suffer for purpose--that there exists no innocent enemy-child--that Jesus must not have died for these.

but I can no longer align myself with this, can not believe what this crowd believes, can no longer accept blindness as a means to acceptance. I can not turn my conscience back, can not escape the truth I dared to face. It holds me fiercely.

So instead, I'll stand, hands down.

peace works

A pacifist told me that as I continued learning about peace, I would begin to see that peace and non-resistance "works," it makes sense in our world. This is not so strange a statement when you consider the Biblical truths that pacifists adhere to in their commitment to peace. God's way does work. If peace is God's way, it makes sense that peace would work. Even though I did not take up non-resistance as a means to gain anything, I have already seen how peace, or if I walk in an attitude of peace, works for me.

It's an everyday example, but I find God often speaks his truth through everyday activities. I struggle with a dog who struggles with fear of other dogs his own size or bigger. When walking him, if we pass another dog-owner out walking, my dog will bark, growl and pull on his leash. It's quite embarrassing and disconcerting. I have tried everything to get him to stop, but one thing I always did was to restrain him as much as possible. During the warm weather, after consistent work, I managed to get him to calm down (for the most part). But as the weather got cold again, and my dog saw fewer dogs outside with their owners, he forgot his training, and started barking, growling and pulling on his leash the few times we would pass another die-hard dog-walker out and about.

One early morning, I was walking my dog, thinking it was way too early, dark and cold for anybody to be out walking their dog (besides me), and I was singing a hymn I had heard the day before--It is Well. I was also thinking about peace and was unusually peaceful in mind and soul when we happened upon another dog-walker with a black lab--a dog bigger than mine. I had no time to think about what to do--no chance at possibly walking the other way to avoid them. But I maintained my present state of peacefulness and allowed my dog to do his little fearful/warning dance. I did not restrain him, nor did I use any force against him. I simply felt that all would be well, my dog might bark and growl, but all would be well. My dog, instead of barking and growling, simply pulled on his leash, danced around a little bit and whined. We made it past the dog and his walker and went cheerily on our way.

I immediately understood what had happened and later happened to be talking with my cousin who breeds and trains pit bulls. I told him my story and he said, yes, that I had done the right thing. "You need to know that you own the dog, you have control of him, but that he is still a being of his own." He said that I need to understand the dog's frame of mind, his own little nuances and work with those. In this case, my dog was understanding my force against him, my attempt to restrain him as evidence of my fear. And in fact, it was in fear that I would try to restrain him--fear that I might not be able to, fear that I would look ridiculous, fear that something, anything bad might happen. But it was my fear he was reacting to, not his own fear. When I did not force him to obey, did not resist his tendencies, he was okay. In other words, my attitude to walk in peace and non-resistance worked for me in the training of my dog. I wonder what other ways I will see that peace works.

peace revelation

This is something I wrote soon after learning about peace:
When I speak of revelation, I am speaking of truth that has been revealed personally to me, not just a truth that I can acknowledge with my head. Revelation puts me in a place to go beyond acknowledgment and into a place of a personal belief that can be acted on. And since deciding to choose peace, this is what is happening to me as I read the word. With my new-found belief in this peace teaching, the Holy Spirit is opening my eyes to scripture like never before in the areas of forgiveness, faith and the absolute, remarkable tenderness of Jesus Christ.

The first night, after learning about peace and non-resistance for the first time and receiving it, I began to doubt this stance of absolute peace, but the Holy Spirit simply said, "on earth, as it is in heaven." Do I believe that or not? How can I pray that prayer and then act, think or believe contrary to it? This is the Lord's will—would I go against it?

The following night as I walked my dog, I slipped into fear. And then I realized that to walk in peace, one must give up fear. To give up fear, one must grow in love, which casts out fear! To walk in true, complete love, one must walk in peace--peace with all people, not just those you love or can at least tolerate. And then, as I wrote this, I began to see how, if I walk in peace, if I set my heart to walk in peace, then satan can no longer frighten me, he can no longer taunt me as he has in the past with fear. If I determine to walk in peace, whom have I to fear? Whom have I to fear!!

Deciding to live in peace means deciding to give up my perceived "right" to revenge. It is not my place to seek revenge. It is no longer my responsibility--it never was. I was only attempting to hold onto it, and only failing, because revenge only sets a cycle turning. This is a cycle that satan would like to place me in. Deciding to live in peace gives me the freedom that I need to forgive others who hurt me. I came to this decision by looking at peace versus war. I rejected war, seeing it as violence against my enemies, which is contrary to God's word. And as I accepted this part of God's word, my eyes were opened to how I could forgive those who hurt me! I have trouble forgiving those who hurt me, because I have been holding onto my perceived right to revenge! How can I forgive if I think it's my place, my right to set things straight--straight the way I see it? I can not. Deciding to live in peace means walking away from that perceived right to revenge; instead, it means walking in the freedom to forgive my enemies, or those who hurt me.

And this revelation continued as I prayed and read the word. I read the passage where Jesus said, “my kingdom is not of this world; if it were, my people would fight.” And suddenly I realized that I belong to the kingdom of God, not to the United States. I have believed that, to the extent that I wish and allow the Holy Spirit to move in my life. But I never extended it any further than that. With this peace teaching, I am realizing that my allegiance to my country has taken precedence over my allegiance to God and all the while, I was unaware of this. Allegiance to my country was so ingrained in me from a very young age, that I unknowingly equated the purposes of the US with the purposes of God. As I became an adult, I sensed a conflict between these two purposes, and avoided politics of any kind, and I avoided world affairs because I could not make my understanding of God coincide with the activities of my country. It was easier to avoid, because I still did not want to give up what was left of my patriotism, my love for my country. Deciding to live in peace means we must recognize our citizenship to a kingdom not of this world!! This must be where our allegiance is placed! We must change our thinking and ask the Holy Spirit to help us develop this as the platform from which we make decisions where peace is concerned. If our allegiance to God’s kingdom is in our framework of thinking and believing, then we can walk in peace.

And more. I began to see my personal responsibility for spreading this gospel. I have brothers and sisters in the countries of China and North Korea who are persecuted for what they believe. Here I sit in a country that is free at the cost of the lives of men who believed violence was the only way to freedom. I questioned that, and the Holy Spirit answered me. We too often fight in the flesh what might be won if we would only first fight in the spirit. God said that if we would only have faith as a mustard seed, the mountain would move. God said, if my people who are called by my name, would humble themselves and pray and turn from their wicked ways, then I would heal their land. We, who called our nation a Christian nation, who picked up our weapons to take freedom, should have instead taken up our holy armor. God’s will will be done—period. If we have to step into the flesh to make happen what we think should happen, then we are stepping out of the will of God in some way. I’m not saying it is not God’s will that we have a free country. But I am saying that it didn’t need to happen the way it did. This fight, too, was in allegiance to an earthly country. But since it’s done, and I have my freedom, even more now than ever, I know that I can not sit back and enjoy it—I must instead USE that freedom in ways that those who are oppressed can not.

I read the Bible daily. How did I not see this side of Jesus? I did, to an extent, but when I compare that extent to what I am seeing now, I didn't really see him like this. I didn't understand that part of him. His tenderness has always captivated me, but now I don’t know how to respond to this new tenderness that I see. He is more, so much unbelievably more than I could ever hope or imagine! I want others to see Jesus like this, to accept this truth for themselves, because it answers so many questions, fills so many spaces. We need to believe this, because it is an integral part of the gospel—without it, we are leaning on an incomplete gospel. Without it, we will not be able to do what God has called us to do!