held back by fear
Learning peace has developed in me a respect coming out of love for others that I formerly was not able to obtain. I was not able to obtain that respect for others, though I greatly desired it, because I could not walk in love. I could not walk in love because I was holding onto my perceived right to vengeance. I longed to have a deep respect for others, and I knew that that respect would come out of a true love for others, but fear of others presided in the place where love should have been. I do not say that my actions toward others would have revealed my lack of respect, because I did my best to behave respectfully simply because in my head I knew that that was the right thing to do. But in my heart, I feared others' views and held myself apart from them because I was afraid their beliefs would cause me to doubt my own. I could not afford to doubt my own beliefs (so I thought) because I knew that I was shakey in them and barely able to stand up with them, let alone without them.
released to love
But I came to a place where my beliefs were focused on Jesus, more than on the ideas of common man. And as my ideas became more focused on Jesus, I was able to welcome the idea of Jesus' gospel of peace, even though (sadly) it went against so much that I had been taught about Christian religion. And then, when I was able to welcome the idea of Jesus' gospel of peace, suddenly, it was as if my heart were waiting for this news, because it sprang open to love others, which made me able to respect them, even their own beliefs.
It's a relief, really. Because I have always wanted to learn from others; to listen in love about their beliefs instead of listening in fear--which only propagated condemnation for my companion. If you listen in fear, you can not really learn anything.
increase of love
I think that I have written something like this (my first blog posting). But I wanted to write this again, because it has developed a bit inside of me, and also because I am still in awe at what Jesus can do to a heart. Since learning Jesus's gospel of peace, I have increasingly grown so full of love for people that sometimes I think it might spill out. I long for ways that I can reach out to someone, to maybe make their life a little better if even only for a moment. I walk around so full of some kind of love that I want to ask someone "do you see it on me? Do I look ridiculous--because I'm holding it in now--this love--I'm holding it in because I don't know yet how to let it out." So God has given me this love and I have to figure out how to walk in it, how to use it, what God intended me to do with it, exactly. One thing I have discovered: that love is powerful.
love for you too!
I hope that if you are reading this, you will follow after Jesus with all of your heart, that you will do so in spirit and in truth so that you are able to receive the love that he so freely gives. He is the most beautiful and precious person I know; and I love him so much. And he's rich! I know that he is, because this love he gave me is worth far more than anything I could work for, or try to get on my own. And he's got more to give!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
in god's time
So God showed me this, that I need to delve into the deepness of him. Didn’t he tell me yesterday to look at him? Yes, he did. So I guess this is a pattern.
“I use patterns.”
“You do? Why?”
“Because if I didn’t, you would not be able to understand me.”
“But God, you seem so unpredictable.”
“If you studied me, you would see that my unpredictability is not random. It only seems that way to you because you only tune in to me a very small amount in the scheme of things.”
“But it seems like I spend a lot of time with you.”
“You do. You spend your time.”
“Who else’s time should I spend?”
“Mine.”
“What does that mean, God?”
“I can give you my time—the way I exist in time.”
“And how do you exist in time?”
“I am compact, existing in all time, and I am continuous, no time existing in me.
“I don’t think I can comprehend that God. It’s difficult.”
“I will show you.”
“How.”
“Step by step. The first step, ask me for my time.”
“Okay God. Please give me your time.”
“I have given it. I am giving it and I will continue to give it. It is yours.”
“Okay. Was I supposed to get something out of that?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I think I missed it. I sense that there is something in that that I need to understand, but I can’t grasp it.”
“In the continuum of time, you will see the patterns. But in the small window through which you peer ‘when you feel like it’ you will see randomness. You are the one who is random. You come to me randomly, so you receive randomly. When you become consistent, you will see the patterns. In the patterns, you will see that the greatness of my existence swallows up time, making it no time, and that it is in my compactness that I exist in all time. When you look at time, you may or may not see me; but when you look at me, you will not see time.”
“God, I don’t get this. I feel like maybe I’m making it up.”
“You will soon understand.”
“Whatever. This is too much. Or its too much of me, or I don’t know. God, where do you stop and I begin?”
“I stop when you begin; I begin again when you stop (I say this this way because this is how you can understand it best. But in all truth, I never stop. In the deep, I am there, working.)”
“Wow. I get this. I "began" just a moment ago, when doubt came in and I said this was ‘too much.’ That’s when all that stuff you were saying stopped. I let myself--my own fears, take over.”
“Yes, and now you are allowing me to begin again.”
“But yet you never stopped. I just couldn’t see you anymore.”
“Yes you were looking at time, where I exist in compactness, you were not looking at me, where my greatness swallows up time. That’s why you couldn’t see me. I was working in time, underneath your doubt.”
“I allowed the doubt to rise up.”
“I allowed the doubt to rise up.” (This is God speaking)
“What do you mean?”
“Because I stepped down, to get beneath it.”
“Wow! Yes, yes! You don’t have to step down to anything. So why do you step down in this case?”
“Because you wanted doubt to be there instead. I could stay there if I wanted. But I will not go where you don’t want me.”
“Why would I want doubt to be there instead of you?”
“Because you don’t understand me. My ways are not your ways. What you don’t understand you are afraid of.”
“Why would I be afraid of you?”
“Because you think I will disgrace you in front of humans. You care more about what they think, than what I think. That is why you want doubt to take my place—so that I won’t do the thing you think I will do—which is disgrace you.”
“So would you disgrace me?”
“You can only be disgraced if you are not confident in who I am.”
“So, this must mean that I am not confident in who you are.”
“Which takes us back to the first thing I said.”
“What’s that?”
“Look at me. Find out who I am.”
“In your book.”
“Yes, in my word.”
“I use patterns.”
“You do? Why?”
“Because if I didn’t, you would not be able to understand me.”
“But God, you seem so unpredictable.”
“If you studied me, you would see that my unpredictability is not random. It only seems that way to you because you only tune in to me a very small amount in the scheme of things.”
“But it seems like I spend a lot of time with you.”
“You do. You spend your time.”
“Who else’s time should I spend?”
“Mine.”
“What does that mean, God?”
“I can give you my time—the way I exist in time.”
“And how do you exist in time?”
“I am compact, existing in all time, and I am continuous, no time existing in me.
“I don’t think I can comprehend that God. It’s difficult.”
“I will show you.”
“How.”
“Step by step. The first step, ask me for my time.”
“Okay God. Please give me your time.”
“I have given it. I am giving it and I will continue to give it. It is yours.”
“Okay. Was I supposed to get something out of that?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I think I missed it. I sense that there is something in that that I need to understand, but I can’t grasp it.”
“In the continuum of time, you will see the patterns. But in the small window through which you peer ‘when you feel like it’ you will see randomness. You are the one who is random. You come to me randomly, so you receive randomly. When you become consistent, you will see the patterns. In the patterns, you will see that the greatness of my existence swallows up time, making it no time, and that it is in my compactness that I exist in all time. When you look at time, you may or may not see me; but when you look at me, you will not see time.”
“God, I don’t get this. I feel like maybe I’m making it up.”
“You will soon understand.”
“Whatever. This is too much. Or its too much of me, or I don’t know. God, where do you stop and I begin?”
“I stop when you begin; I begin again when you stop (I say this this way because this is how you can understand it best. But in all truth, I never stop. In the deep, I am there, working.)”
“Wow. I get this. I "began" just a moment ago, when doubt came in and I said this was ‘too much.’ That’s when all that stuff you were saying stopped. I let myself--my own fears, take over.”
“Yes, and now you are allowing me to begin again.”
“But yet you never stopped. I just couldn’t see you anymore.”
“Yes you were looking at time, where I exist in compactness, you were not looking at me, where my greatness swallows up time. That’s why you couldn’t see me. I was working in time, underneath your doubt.”
“I allowed the doubt to rise up.”
“I allowed the doubt to rise up.” (This is God speaking)
“What do you mean?”
“Because I stepped down, to get beneath it.”
“Wow! Yes, yes! You don’t have to step down to anything. So why do you step down in this case?”
“Because you wanted doubt to be there instead. I could stay there if I wanted. But I will not go where you don’t want me.”
“Why would I want doubt to be there instead of you?”
“Because you don’t understand me. My ways are not your ways. What you don’t understand you are afraid of.”
“Why would I be afraid of you?”
“Because you think I will disgrace you in front of humans. You care more about what they think, than what I think. That is why you want doubt to take my place—so that I won’t do the thing you think I will do—which is disgrace you.”
“So would you disgrace me?”
“You can only be disgraced if you are not confident in who I am.”
“So, this must mean that I am not confident in who you are.”
“Which takes us back to the first thing I said.”
“What’s that?”
“Look at me. Find out who I am.”
“In your book.”
“Yes, in my word.”
Monday, February 18, 2008
peace for an electron
i learned todaythat an electron
spins
as it circles the atom,
that if all atoms contain a certain characteristic
then we can rightly say
that all materials do too,
and that all material is magnetic
--of a certain sort.
and i see god
in the explanation of scientists.
i see jesus speaking a parable,
drawing lines in the sand
while we stand unaware of what we can't see
unaware of what we can't touch,
what we can't feel,
spinning our circles
around something else we can.
spinning our circles
around a characteristic of an illusion
these senses have created,
spinning our circles endlessly,
forgetting the material
we are made of.
but i see jesus
speaking a parable
as the electron
spins with glee
around its atom.
and all is right with its world.
in the explanation of scientists.
i see jesus speaking a parable,
drawing lines in the sand
while we stand unaware of what we can't see
unaware of what we can't touch,
what we can't feel,
spinning our circles
around something else we can.
spinning our circles
around a characteristic of an illusion
these senses have created,
spinning our circles endlessly,
forgetting the material
we are made of.
but i see jesus
speaking a parable
as the electron
spins with glee
around its atom.
and all is right with its world.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
church visit
I had the opportunity to visit a church in my new hometown. It was a wonderful service. And then.
At the end of the service the pastor decided to make a commentary on voting issues. "Which issues are the most important" he reported he had been asked. "Well, I think the most important issue is life. If you can't agree with me that LIFE is of the utmost importance, then we can't agree on anything." He then told us that because life was of the utmost importance, that the issue of abortion was the most important issue to him when voting. I agreed--that life is the utmost importance. This makes sense to me. And then.
The pastor proceeded to tell us that the second most important issue in this presidential campaign was the war against Islam. "America can not be safe with a president that would sit on his hands concerning the war against Islam!" Isn't it interesting that in the same moment that a person tells us LIFE is of the utmost importance, he proceeds to tell us of his support for a war. I do not believe he was suggesting we should have a pacifist mind-set when approaching the war against Islam. I am wondering if this pastor values all life, or only the life of the unborn? What about the lives of the women and children and other innocents in the countries where this war will take place? Goodness, what about the lives of the militant Islamists--those who would be our enemies--the very person Jesus told us to love?!!
We as Christians need to be different from the rest of the world. The world will do what it will do, but Christians should offer an alternative, aggressively pursue that alternative and teach others how to live in that alternative. How can we be an example to the world when we are living in it and behaving as it behaves. We are to come out from among them and be separate--not join them!
I also find it interesting that this pastor used fear rhetoric to persuade his congregation: "America can not be safe"--who ever said that Christianity was safe? But we need not fear this, or walk in fear because of this. Instead, we need to walk in love--we need to recognize the call of Jesus to love our enemies--love casts out all fear, after all. We are safe in a spiritual sense, and certainly we can be assured that God will ultimately take care of us. But we can not be guaranteed safety when we resort to fleshly means to secure and maintain that safety. This pastor aligned himself with the government of the United States in his statement, recognizing the desire of the citizens of the U.S. to be safe, rather than recognizing the call of Jesus to love our enemies.
I find it interesting that one week I write on this issue (see post below), and the next week it is placed in front of my face.
At the end of the service the pastor decided to make a commentary on voting issues. "Which issues are the most important" he reported he had been asked. "Well, I think the most important issue is life. If you can't agree with me that LIFE is of the utmost importance, then we can't agree on anything." He then told us that because life was of the utmost importance, that the issue of abortion was the most important issue to him when voting. I agreed--that life is the utmost importance. This makes sense to me. And then.
The pastor proceeded to tell us that the second most important issue in this presidential campaign was the war against Islam. "America can not be safe with a president that would sit on his hands concerning the war against Islam!" Isn't it interesting that in the same moment that a person tells us LIFE is of the utmost importance, he proceeds to tell us of his support for a war. I do not believe he was suggesting we should have a pacifist mind-set when approaching the war against Islam. I am wondering if this pastor values all life, or only the life of the unborn? What about the lives of the women and children and other innocents in the countries where this war will take place? Goodness, what about the lives of the militant Islamists--those who would be our enemies--the very person Jesus told us to love?!!
We as Christians need to be different from the rest of the world. The world will do what it will do, but Christians should offer an alternative, aggressively pursue that alternative and teach others how to live in that alternative. How can we be an example to the world when we are living in it and behaving as it behaves. We are to come out from among them and be separate--not join them!
I also find it interesting that this pastor used fear rhetoric to persuade his congregation: "America can not be safe"--who ever said that Christianity was safe? But we need not fear this, or walk in fear because of this. Instead, we need to walk in love--we need to recognize the call of Jesus to love our enemies--love casts out all fear, after all. We are safe in a spiritual sense, and certainly we can be assured that God will ultimately take care of us. But we can not be guaranteed safety when we resort to fleshly means to secure and maintain that safety. This pastor aligned himself with the government of the United States in his statement, recognizing the desire of the citizens of the U.S. to be safe, rather than recognizing the call of Jesus to love our enemies.
I find it interesting that one week I write on this issue (see post below), and the next week it is placed in front of my face.
Friday, February 8, 2008
what treachery our foe has caused!
Early Christian believers' lives "were nourished, not by the summas of the academicians, but by the lives of the saints. Most of the saints were tacitly non-violent. Most of the martyr-saints were expressly non-violent. The rejection of violent self-defense or of service in the armies of Caesar was sometimes the reason for which the saint was martyred. The lives of the saints are told to incite the hearer to trust God for his or her surviving and prospering." --Quoted from When War is Unjust by John Howard Yoder, pages 69-70.
This quote gives me great pause and great sadness, because it causes me to think of the voice I have heard in the church speaking on behalf of various wars (when I say "in the church" I mean Christians who are the church, but also, specifically, Christian leaders in and out of the church). This quote reminds me that Christians long ago looked to the saints for spiritual nourishment--saints who lived non-violent lives. Jesus lived non-violently, yet, on this subject, I did not listen to him until recently. And so this is a double-edged knife to my conscience. For I used to look in judgment on those who looked to the saints to lead them spiritually. I believed they should be looking to Jesus, who is the saint of all saints. But I was judging these, and not seeing my own offense. I listened not to Jesus concerning violence, but instead, listened to the voice of the religious leaders.
And these are voices I had listened to, many for years and years; they are voices I have respected and even grown to love. It saddens me to see this flaw. I do not suggest that it discounts the good they do perform, because their efforts are tremendous. But this is too great a flaw to ignore, and in fact, how much good can be done if in the end they (the church) support an evil (war) that causes the problems they (the church) are attempting to fix? This is a very sad thing to face.
But I am convinced that they feel they are right, that in their hearts they must not be condemned. Certainly this is an example of the blind leading the blind. But this causes me even greater sadness, because they speak on behalf of war to Jesus's people, his sheep. What treachery our foe has caused! What deep and utter treachery! Let me begin to break out of the lies I have been told and begin to believe and live in the spirit, the word of truth that Jesus taught all of us!
This quote gives me great pause and great sadness, because it causes me to think of the voice I have heard in the church speaking on behalf of various wars (when I say "in the church" I mean Christians who are the church, but also, specifically, Christian leaders in and out of the church). This quote reminds me that Christians long ago looked to the saints for spiritual nourishment--saints who lived non-violent lives. Jesus lived non-violently, yet, on this subject, I did not listen to him until recently. And so this is a double-edged knife to my conscience. For I used to look in judgment on those who looked to the saints to lead them spiritually. I believed they should be looking to Jesus, who is the saint of all saints. But I was judging these, and not seeing my own offense. I listened not to Jesus concerning violence, but instead, listened to the voice of the religious leaders.
And these are voices I had listened to, many for years and years; they are voices I have respected and even grown to love. It saddens me to see this flaw. I do not suggest that it discounts the good they do perform, because their efforts are tremendous. But this is too great a flaw to ignore, and in fact, how much good can be done if in the end they (the church) support an evil (war) that causes the problems they (the church) are attempting to fix? This is a very sad thing to face.
But I am convinced that they feel they are right, that in their hearts they must not be condemned. Certainly this is an example of the blind leading the blind. But this causes me even greater sadness, because they speak on behalf of war to Jesus's people, his sheep. What treachery our foe has caused! What deep and utter treachery! Let me begin to break out of the lies I have been told and begin to believe and live in the spirit, the word of truth that Jesus taught all of us!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
aggressive faith
In re-reading the New Testament texts, and now, specifically, the book of John, my eyes are searching for the gospel of peace. One thing strikes me as I read--that it takes aggressive faith to imitate the gentle, peaceful attitude and actions of Jesus Christ. At his words, Jesus was faced with a brutally violent verbal resistance: "he is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him?" ( John 10:20). "This man is not from God" (John 9:16). "We know this man is a sinner" (John 9:24). "Your testimony is not valid (John 8:13). "Now we know that you are demon-possessed" (John 8:52). It takes an aggressive faith to stand up under words like this--an even stronger faith to stand up under them when they come from religious leaders, and an indescribable faith to stand up under them in peace, without lashing back, which is just what Jesus did.
Better yet, oftentimes, these words were spoken after Jesus had acted in tender compassion to someone. Look at the context for John 9:16. Jesus had just healed a man who was blind, setting him free from an affliction that plagued him from birth. The Pharisees were not impressed. Instead, they criticized him, saying "this man is not from God."
Look again to John, chapter five, where Jesus heals an invalid who laid at the waters edge to be healed, but who had not been able to get into the healing waters to receive his healing. What does Jesus do? He heals him. What do the Jewish leaders do? They begin to persecute him because he healed the man on the Sabbath.
And again--look at what happens when Jesus, out of his compassion, raises Lazarus from the dead: "so from that day on, they plotted to take his life" (John 11:53).
I could go on, reciting stories where Jesus acted in compassion, reached out to heal or accept those no one else would. But better, not just to have the faith to heal these people, but to stand up against the pressure of the violence in their--the leader's--words. It takes aggressive faith to stand up to that kind of pressure--it took aggressive faith to create "shalom" for these people.
And how does Jesus exhibit this aggressive faith, this fierce stance for truth, for the word of God? He exhibits it with the utmost careful, beautiful, tenderness to those who will recieve his love. I love to read the passage of the woman at the well, who, being a Samaritan and a woman of five husbands, would have (at best) been ignored or disdained by other Jewish men. But Jesus, sweet, tender, lovely Jesus talks with her, even to reveal his identity as the Messiah to her, gives to her, even she--a half-breed, an adultress--the chance to drink the water that will "become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (John 4:14).
And I see his tenderness, even in the moment he is about to be stoned at the Festival of Dedication at Jerusalem (John 10:22-42). Even to the last moment that he is able, he speaks truth to them, that they too might believe on him and be saved. "Do not believe me unless I do the works of my father, but if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works that you may know and understand that the Father is in me, and I in the Father" (John 10:37-38). I can imagine the earnestness in his voice as he tried to reason with them, setting himself aside, to reason with them from where they were ("even though you do not believe me") with proof that their mentality might accept (the works). Even to the very last moment, Jesus is not seen fighting back, is not seen protecting himself, but speaking truth to the last moment--planting that seed that they might be saved. That's an aggressively tender faith!
Oh! What kind of strength is this? To proclaim the good news to the poor, freedom for the prisoners, recovery of sight for the blind, to set the captives free--and to do this in the face of great opposition? To do this in the face of great danger--even to his last moment on the cross when he promised to receive the thief into heaven--what kind of strength is this?!!
Better yet, oftentimes, these words were spoken after Jesus had acted in tender compassion to someone. Look at the context for John 9:16. Jesus had just healed a man who was blind, setting him free from an affliction that plagued him from birth. The Pharisees were not impressed. Instead, they criticized him, saying "this man is not from God."
Look again to John, chapter five, where Jesus heals an invalid who laid at the waters edge to be healed, but who had not been able to get into the healing waters to receive his healing. What does Jesus do? He heals him. What do the Jewish leaders do? They begin to persecute him because he healed the man on the Sabbath.
And again--look at what happens when Jesus, out of his compassion, raises Lazarus from the dead: "so from that day on, they plotted to take his life" (John 11:53).
I could go on, reciting stories where Jesus acted in compassion, reached out to heal or accept those no one else would. But better, not just to have the faith to heal these people, but to stand up against the pressure of the violence in their--the leader's--words. It takes aggressive faith to stand up to that kind of pressure--it took aggressive faith to create "shalom" for these people.
And how does Jesus exhibit this aggressive faith, this fierce stance for truth, for the word of God? He exhibits it with the utmost careful, beautiful, tenderness to those who will recieve his love. I love to read the passage of the woman at the well, who, being a Samaritan and a woman of five husbands, would have (at best) been ignored or disdained by other Jewish men. But Jesus, sweet, tender, lovely Jesus talks with her, even to reveal his identity as the Messiah to her, gives to her, even she--a half-breed, an adultress--the chance to drink the water that will "become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (John 4:14).
And I see his tenderness, even in the moment he is about to be stoned at the Festival of Dedication at Jerusalem (John 10:22-42). Even to the last moment that he is able, he speaks truth to them, that they too might believe on him and be saved. "Do not believe me unless I do the works of my father, but if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works that you may know and understand that the Father is in me, and I in the Father" (John 10:37-38). I can imagine the earnestness in his voice as he tried to reason with them, setting himself aside, to reason with them from where they were ("even though you do not believe me") with proof that their mentality might accept (the works). Even to the very last moment, Jesus is not seen fighting back, is not seen protecting himself, but speaking truth to the last moment--planting that seed that they might be saved. That's an aggressively tender faith!
Oh! What kind of strength is this? To proclaim the good news to the poor, freedom for the prisoners, recovery of sight for the blind, to set the captives free--and to do this in the face of great opposition? To do this in the face of great danger--even to his last moment on the cross when he promised to receive the thief into heaven--what kind of strength is this?!!
Friday, February 1, 2008
speaking violence, speaking peace
I was thinking about the love of Christ, for to walk in peace, to walk non-violently, one must walk in love. It’s easy enough to say that I will walk in peace, that I will not cause physical harm to anyone else. Chances are, I will not be in a situation that I formerly would have considered a situation that calls for self-protection with violence. But as I worshipped tonight, God was showing me about what I write and what I speak—that I must start living non-violently in my everyday life, and for me, that means in my speaking and in my writing.
In my life, it has been words that I struggle against, other people’s words that would tear me down. And I think this would probably be true for anyone, that we all struggle with the words that others speak against us, our actions, our motives, our desires, our personalities our idiosyncrasies. Often the words are not directed at us personally, but we see ourselves on the other side of the critique, and we must struggle against those words if we want to remain true to who we really are. The masses speak discouragement, they speak hate, they speak into existence a rigid set of guidelines that we must follow to be accepted. The masses speak violence, and their voice extends into the deepest part of our beings and tears down who we might become in God.
I told God that I want to reject that movement of the masses—I do not want to be a part of that discouragement, I do not want to speak violence into another person with my own set of judgments, my own rigid guidelines. But it comes so naturally, it’s as if we are programmed to do so—to judge and to want others to abide by our guidelines so that we, our own person, can be validated. So I asked God to show me when it is that I speak or write from out of my “self” and not out of love. For only when I speak or write in love will I be able to do so in peace. I would like my writing, then, as much as I am able, to focus on, and examine the streams of peace that I find. I'm not sure how this will work, or what it will look like and I know that I can not ignore the bad, but that my efforts will follow after peace.
Ephesians 4:11 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Romans 14:19 Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.
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