Life is sometimes difficult. And I have learned that living a life of peace is more difficult--in the beginning anyway. I am in that beginning.
I had a friend tell me that when I made this decision, and then followed it up by writing about it in this blog, that I would have difficulty--be tested, essentially. He was right. Something I've learned is that, when we surrender our "right" to fight the fleshly fight, we must begin a different kind of "fight." This is the fight against ourselves, and our own fleshly wills or desires. My first fight against my self started long before I decided to live a life of peace, but when I came to that decision, it came to the forefront. According to my friend, that should have been no surprise. But I didn't realize the intensity in which it would show up. My "fight" was in living peaceably with my husband, accepting him for who he is and still having peace in that relationship.
I recently lost this fight. We will be divorced next week.
This is my first failure as a pacifist. But something tells me this is okay. I have been assured that ultimately, while God esteems the promise of marriage very highly, he is more concerned with my soul. The fight that ended my marriage was not just a fight against my marriage. It is a fight for me. This fight I must win, and I know I will in the end. I must start again--this is something I grow tired of--starting again--I often feel I fail and must "start again," but this too is something I am learning. I am not starting again. I am continuing. I've been knocked down, but I'm getting back up. It's the same fight.
Who is my opponent? What is my opponent? I can say it's the enemy--the devil, and perhaps that is indirectly true. But what I really believe is that it's me. I wrote in my last posting about the "ugly" or the "dark" in me. This is what I am fighting against. And thinking of that posting, "Why I Run," I am thinking I should redefine what it is I am doing. Perhaps what I am doing is not fighting at all, but running. Paul wrote of the Christian faith in Romans, I think, that it is a race. That we need to race for the prize, for the goal. As a pacifist, I like this new definition--that I am running a race. Fighting makes me tired. Running energizes me, cleanses me, gives me hope. And this is a good race. For the prize is life. I can run. I can keep running.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Yes the bible tells us to live in Peace with one another and I believe you have to be at peace within yourself and with your relationship with God. But I believe that all of us need to have a righteous anger towards the enemy when he tries to tear at our minds and our relationships. For we can never be peaceful or passive with the devil. We have to fight like a warrior to saveguard ourselves and the relationships that we hold dear to us. You say that fighting makes you tired, maybe the fight was in your mind and you couldn't bear to verbalize it. Sometimes women give up too much of their own identity to morph into what they think their husbands want them to be, and therefore deny themselves by their own doing. Suffocating themselves. You have proclaimed it "Fighting makes you tired" now the enemy knows this so he will come at you now with all his might. I pray that you have a church family supporting you in this area of weakness now that you are no longer under the covering of a Godly husband, flaws and all. God Bless.
i believe the lack of piece exists within our own soul. the lack of peace has nothing to do with another person in our life or our circumstances. i believe that we can find inner piece regardless of our current circumstances and regardless of who is in our life at the time.
Post a Comment