Fight or Flight

Life is sometimes difficult. And I have learned that living a life of peace is more difficult--in the beginning anyway. I am in that beginning.

I had a friend tell me that when I made this decision, and then followed it up by writing about it in this blog, that I would have difficulty--be tested, essentially. He was right. Something I've learned is that, when we surrender our "right" to fight the fleshly fight, we must begin a different kind of "fight." This is the fight against ourselves, and our own fleshly wills or desires. My first fight against my self started long before I decided to live a life of peace, but when I came to that decision, it came to the forefront. According to my friend, that should have been no surprise. But I didn't realize the intensity in which it would show up. My "fight" was in living peaceably with my husband, accepting him for who he is and still having peace in that relationship.

I recently lost this fight. We will be divorced next week.

This is my first failure as a pacifist. But something tells me this is okay. I have been assured that ultimately, while God esteems the promise of marriage very highly, he is more concerned with my soul. The fight that ended my marriage was not just a fight against my marriage. It is a fight for me. This fight I must win, and I know I will in the end. I must start again--this is something I grow tired of--starting again--I often feel I fail and must "start again," but this too is something I am learning. I am not starting again. I am continuing. I've been knocked down, but I'm getting back up. It's the same fight.

Who is my opponent? What is my opponent? I can say it's the enemy--the devil, and perhaps that is indirectly true. But what I really believe is that it's me. I wrote in my last posting about the "ugly" or the "dark" in me. This is what I am fighting against. And thinking of that posting, "Why I Run," I am thinking I should redefine what it is I am doing. Perhaps what I am doing is not fighting at all, but running. Paul wrote of the Christian faith in Romans, I think, that it is a race. That we need to race for the prize, for the goal. As a pacifist, I like this new definition--that I am running a race. Fighting makes me tired. Running energizes me, cleanses me, gives me hope. And this is a good race. For the prize is life. I can run. I can keep running.